Dearly Beloved

Every day there is an event of life which happens, whether we aware of it or not, it does. Even with that truth, no one can efficiently prepare for the aftermath of death and the emotional beating it comes with. As we are growing older the probability of experiencing this event of life increases and it is a good thing to be aware.

Usually, I would hide behind a fiction-based story to get a message across but today I did not want to find refuge in my own imagination. There are many things that are not real in this world, however the pain from grief is not one of them.

And so it goes,

 

All these memories, too much to lose.

I don’t need faith; I don’t need truth.

~Lianne La Havas

 

All I would ask is why did you

Leave so soon, I do not need faith,

I just want you.

~Good Goodbye

 

There is something that dies within you when you lose a dearly beloved, it is rather difficult to put into words however it usually happens when you see the person for the last time, as they lay in the coffin, hours before burial. If the whatever part of you survives and you remain resilient, then that resilience will begin to cave in as the coffin begins to be lowered. With each and every shovel of sand poured onto the coffin, more of that part of you loses strength, until finally, all of it is gone and you are left with an emptiness not only that you have to leave your dearly beloved behind, but the emptiness that there is a death that has now also occurred within you, that you cannot describe nor understand. Grief.

It's not my place to try and explain what any one person goes through from the funeral onwards, we all deal with pain differently. What is really mine to share, is the second goodbye that should happen because our very lives depend on it.

My dearly beloved became my main guardian angel in things of the Spirit for many years and that came with a form of closure, because finally, I could now communicate with her as she resumed the role of ‘mom’ in my life, well atleast that’s what it felt like. She was the one who was constantly in my dreams showing me direction to new paths but also providing discernment for all challenges I had to face. Simply put, she was assigned the task to walk me through my past and help me get through all of my traumatic moments in life, one trauma at a time. The last destination, however, was her funeral.

If someone is afraid of something, a constructive solution is to expose that person to whatever it is that they are afraid of, until finally they overcome their fear. With grief, it’s not easy because you cannot recreate the same thing over and over again. One solution is to have the Spirit of that person come back and ask you the grieving person to let them go, which is brutal. Another way is for God to send someone into your life who embodies specific traits from/of your dearly beloved, whereby this person will then likely generate the same emotional response from you like your dearly beloved used to. This happens in order to resuscitate or awaken the part of you which died along with your dearly beloved, a gesture of grace. It’s a long process but the goal is that once that part of you is awakened, then finally you will be able to find yourself again, find meaning again, find purpose again, recognise life again.

Like I said before, it is not my place to go into the many different ways people chose to deal with their pain, but irrespective of the way you choose to deal, only love will fully heal you.

I read in one book a few years ago that sometimes when you not getting the love you truly desire, giving it to someone else or others makes you feel like you will. This resonated greatly with me because that is the way I dealt with my grief. I had lost the love I got from my grandmother and now went searching for it from place to place, until I resorted to giving that love to people, in a desperate hope that someone will love me like she did. Grief.

Of the two solutions I mentioned above with regards to dealing with grief, I received both. I had many people come into my life over the past five years with the sole purpose of awakening the part of me that died. Recently however, my dearly beloved came again in my dreams, this time only to ask that I let her go, she would like to finally rest in peace.

“All roads lead to you, 

Even the ones I chose to forget you”.

~Mahmoud Darwish

She carried on saying that it is important that I do this because the next phase of my life needs this special part of me that died along with her. She further pleaded that it is unfair to rob those in my life the best part of me, including myself, since everything in my life needs my heart. My career needs it, relationships need it, my joy needs it, my peace needs it, how much more my faith? She finished off by reminding me that the Son of Man was telling the truth, when he said that a house that is built on sand will fall in the event of the storms of life, but also that whatever I treasure the most, there my heart will also be.

“It is unfortunate then my son, that your heart stays in the grave that you left me in, through the memory of who I once was as your dearly beloved. When the people who actually need your heart are before your very eyes, including yourself, including your life. It will break me to see your smile disappear with each passing year all because of me, please allow me the grace of loving you one more time, your life awaits. From now on, to love me means letting me go, for good this time”.

~So give me peace and love me even more, with all of your heart.

I hope you understand even more, the proverb which advises that one should always guard their heart, especially against the burden of grief.

In conclusion, I had to lose my whole life just so I could finally be able to let go of my dearly beloved. I was fortunate enough that all that I lost (job, car etc.) was wrapped up inside of a spiritual gift and journey, but I know that many people do not share nor have such a privilege. My encouragement is that you please do not wait until you have pushed everyone away including your own life before you realise that the person you are holding on to? also desires to be let go. They cannot rest in peace if your heart is constantly beating within their grave, through the yearn that you bear, wishing to be with them even if it’s just for one day..

Only love will heal and awaken the part of you that died in your grief, but you cannot fully receive that love or even appreciate the blessings that are present in your life, without first letting go of they that are no longer with us. It is important, because if you don’t, everything in your life will always carry a hint of emptiness with it, as if something is missing but you’ll never be able to put your finger on it.  

Hold on to the truth that God will always send help everyday until you are ready to let go. This message was just one of the many ways our Lord has sent help TODAY, tomorrow will be something or someone else.

~LONG LIVE THE ANGELS🫂🕊️

 

Ga pelo e lela, e ratile ya gago
Moya o sa robale
Dikeledi di le marameng
Di elela mawatleng
Ke eo tsela (e tshweu)

~Mpho Sebina

Some things shouldn’t be translated, just felt.

~Tsela Tshweu

This is just a leaf from my tree, an attempt at awakening your heart indeed.